one year.

i just realized the other week that it's been a year, the year i felt like my life was crashing around me. it's been a year since my attempt.

now i've heard it all when i open up about this: "why would you do such a thing?" "don't ever feel that way." "you have so much to live for." those were the most common. see, people weren't wrong because all those statements were and are still valid. i also heard negative statements: "that's so selfish." "you know how many people you'd hurt?" "it can't be that bad, it could be worse." by the way, those negative statements are more critical than helpful for anyone who's been in that situation.

some people say that people with suicidal mindsets are seeking for attention, playing the victim and/or needing to be grateful since there are "others in worse situations." the thing is when you're in that mindset, you kinda seek attention because you're seeking for help. it's also hurtful to tell someone that they're playing the victim mentality, when in reality they are only victims of mental illness. although some people may be in worse situations, it's damaging to hear that because when someone's world is crashing around them the most discouraging thing to hear is anything that diminishes their feelings. telling people to focus on the positives and to keep distracted to keep their mind off of it is difficult since a positive mindset seems nonexistent. it's hard to keep your mind off of this since negative thoughts and feelings take over, which you feel like your consistently trapped.

thing was, i was in the darkest place of my life and felt like i was drowning in a dark hole i couldn't get out of. i just wanted to not feel the pain anymore and just felt like a moving body with no soul. i was dealing with a lot within myself mentally and breaking down who i was at that time as a person, questioning relationships i had at the time and even stepping away from them. i was reevaluating my life and the traumatizing events that took over it.

i was not okay...i was dealing with a battle i kept mostly to myself. my closest friends knew a little bit of what was going on, but not the full story. i felt like i was a burden and i felt helpless. even with therapy and help from my doctors and friends, i still felt like i was stuck in the same spot. it seemed like the more i tried to explain how i was feeling, the more vulnerable and weaker i felt so i got quiet and kept a lot to myself. it was hard to explain how i felt because i truly didn't know how i felt at all, words didn't make sense when i was trying to explain it. if y'all know me, y'all know i don't have a hard time being an open book. i did everything i thought i needed to move forward, yet nothing was helping me get out of it. being in that state, i was completely out of character in every way possible.

the night everything happened, i was alone and afraid to be alone. i tried reaching for help, but everyone i could think of didn't pick up. i don't know what it was but something deep inside me told me to reach out for help. since no one was picking up, i reached out to the crisis text line. to this day, the amount of gratefulness i have for them is unexplainable.

people put the stigmatism of depression as looking a certain way shows people being depressed, which is so far from the truth. for so long, society has put mental health in the general stereotype of looking a certain way. most of the time, we're surprised when most admit they are depressed because you would never expect it.

lots of crying is involved, sometimes for no reason...sometimes cause you need to release the pain somehow. there are also the sleepless nights of your mind racing, the feeling of wanting to be alone but surrounding yourself with people, the darkness you still feel even when there's happy moments happening, the large amounts of sleep because you wanna avoid your waking life, and the amount of exhaustion you consistently feel regardless of how much sleep you get. the numbness takes over your body that you become careless if anything were to happen to you. it's tough, tougher than people think it is.

looking back at it, i got out of it by taking the time to let myself heal away from people. therapy was a godsend, as rough as it was to relive the traumas i dealt with. working out helped me mentally and i put all the aggression i had towards weights. i wrote in my journal, i meditated and i did reiki with my childhood friend, which all helped the healing process. more importantly i fought, fought hella fucking hard to get my life back.

i knew i was a strong person, but i never realized how strong i was until 2019 happened to me. i was really negative for a long time, but i'm forever grateful to my friends who had open arms to help pick me up when i needed it. i'm grateful for going through literal hell to get me to be the woman that i am now. i'm proud of my growth, i'm proud of the self-love and confidence i've gained and most importantly i'm happy to get myself back.

don't get me wrong, it's still an ongoing battle. anxiety attacks are still consistent in my life and it's still an ongoing roller coaster of emotions. i have my days where something triggers me and it sets me back, but i have my process of getting myself back on track. sometimes i just need to have a day where i just lay around and avoid everyone. most of the time i write, workout and also go on long drives with the music blaring to clear my mind. that's what works for me, but everyone will have their own way to get back when they fall backwards. having a good supportive group of people you love and having good energies around you always helps when you need uplifted.

depression is a curse, as i've mentioned, but lately i started to see it in a sense as a blessing. i had read an article not too long ago talking about how people with depression have a different way of viewing life. it mentions that the loved ones who welcome you with open arms helps give you the strength you need to move forward in your life. people who deal with depression are observant of people because they've hidden their own feelings from others and know when someone's hiding their own. they're the ones who are nonjudgmental since they understand and try to be the person who wasn't there for themselves. it's learning how to deal with extreme emotions and having an appreciation for life since it will get better. depression doesn't define who you are, but the key is learning how to live through it and be an example others can follow.

it's okay to not be okay...let me repeat that: IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY! you are NOT alone, just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and there's always help. i'm a huge advocate on therapy but if you feel like you're not ready, there's always other outlets to go to. i'm always open ears as well, regardless if we're close or not. if you are suicidal, please know the resources that are available to you: national suicide prevention lifeline (800-273-TALK, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org) and/or the crisis text line (text "talk" to 741741).